DH sent me an email last night telling me how hurt he is that I didn't have sex with him on his bday.
From:
Matilda&Leon 
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:04 AM
I'm just too exhausted and too much other stuff on my mind. I work 7am-4pm, go to the hospital till 10, get home, eat, get ready for next day, then go to bed.
You think he would understand but I get this huge guilty letter and now I feel like crap.
Born at just 25 weeks and weighed 1 lb 8 ounces, a TRUE Miracle.
Evans Blog - NICU journey and beyond
Replies:
From:
Stellasmom
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:07 AM
Tell him to help you around the house if he wants any.
Seriously, did he say anything on his b-day? If he didn't then he's being a d!ck by writing you an overly dramatic letter....wait, hes being a d!ck regardless of the circumstances.
That being said, I think sex is really, really, important in keeping up a healthy marriage. Sometimes you just have to make yourself participate even if you're not in the mood, tired, or busy. :)
From:
WifeyC
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:07 AM
He sent you an email about it?
From:
RachMatt
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:07 AM
I think your husband is being a selfish pig.
Im sorry.
From:
AvsSmurf
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:08 AM
That was very low and crappy of him to do. Hurt or not feeling like that should NEVER be sent in e-mail. If you can't say it to a persons face then you can't say it.
I would tell him he hurt your feelings. That you are tired, and Yes, you do feel bad you two didn't have sex. But life isn't easy.
Charisma, you can't resist her belly
From:
StageDva
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:08 AM
uh, he e-mailed this to you? Usually talking works better in a marriage.
From:
SheriD
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:08 AM
He sent you an e-mail? Passive aggressive much?
I think you two may have communication issues if he is sending emails to tell you his feelings/thoughts.
From:
Matilda&Leon
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:15 AM
Well he said, or wrote, that I went to sleep and he wanted to get this off of his chest and obviously he wasn't going to wake me up so he thought email/letter would be best.
I don't really care so much about him emailing and not talking face to face since I'm constantly exhausted but I just can't believe that he is trying to make me feel guilty. I mean I am nonstop from 5am till midnight and with our son still in the hospital obviously I have other things on my mind.
Born at just 25 weeks and weighed 1 lb 8 ounces, a TRUE Miracle.
Evans Blog - NICU journey and beyond
From:
tamb_forever
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:15 AM
I think adults who make a huge deal over their birthday are kind of immature. It's just another day. Another day out of the many days in a year. He'll get some action on a day when it works for both of you. And I can't believe he sent you an email about it.
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:16 AM
Let's see here - what's more important to focus your energy on... your CHILD that is in the HOSPITAL or your husband's sexual needs. Tell him he needs to buy book on how to do a hand job to get him through these times.
I would be FURIOUS if my DH pulled that shiton me when our child is lying in a hospital bed. FFS!
Life is not normal for you right now (or him for that matter!) and the last thing you need, is someone telling yoy of your inadequacies in other areas of your life/marriage. Tell him to grow thefuck up.
3 glorious years!
From:
sallymad
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:18 AM
11D, you're so smart!
From:
binzy2524
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:20 AM
Sounds like he had to e-mail since you are either not there or are asleep. It's fine as long as you don't get mad when you get nothing on valentines day, your birthday, Christmas ect... If you get mad at that then you are being hypocritical.
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:21 AM
and once again Binzy shows how much of an idiot she is.
3 glorious years!
From:
mama_budge
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:24 AM
He may feel hurt by it, but he should be mature and considerate enough of what's going on with your son to keep it to himself.
From:
Mickschick1
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:26 AM
He is a pathetic excuse of a man. Sorry but he is a sad, patethic man; if your child is in the hosptial and he's more concerned about getting laid I'd have to seriously question what the hell is wrong with him.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
DS born: 1/30/07
From:
ruby4
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:45 AM
i can't believe he e-mailed that to you!! He is being selfish...i would neglect dh on purpose if he e-mailed me about sex!
I'm Ruby4, i have no idea why it says kimatt1021
From:
laptopdancer
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:46 AM
Print letter.
Wait until husband is asleep.
Staple letter to husband's balls.
See you in my basement...
From:
KathrynMD
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:47 AM
whatadick.
I can understand feeling disappointed or whatever, but a GROWN UP would realize that he's being selfish and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Maybe it even DOES matter - and it can/should be addressed at some time, but now while your newborn is still hospitalized and you're running around like a chicken w/ your head cut off is not the time to be a whiney baby.
I am so sorry he was so selfish that he felt he needed to get that off his chest more than he needed to give you peace.
This is what happiness looks like!
From:
samfish2bcrab
Date: 10/16/2007 at 8:48 AM
I'm going to get flamed
I see his point. No, he shouldn't have e-mailed her about it, but if you can't expect a little lovin' on your birthday, when can you?
I understand that everything gets put on the back shelf once you have kids, but sex is a pretty good indication of the state of a marriage, too, and keeping the marriage healthy is importnant.
If my hubband's wiener starts making noises, I will be sharing that with you guys. It's been pretty quiet though. What should I be listening for? I can't help but think it would sound like the squealing noise a balloon makes when you let the air out. - Cali
From:
Mrs.McLovin
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:00 AM
I understand that your child being in the hospital is very difficult for you, your Dh and your marriage. You seem like a very loving concerned mother.
That said, the best gift to give your child is to maintain a strong relationship with your Dh. Your day is work and hospital. I see nothing in there for any time with your Dh. Even 30 minutes!!
Sounds like you need to talk to Dh, once you cool down. Set aside a little bit of time for him too. It doesn't have to be much!
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:07 AM
This is a good example why it is SO important for people to be individuals in a marriage as well. So I totally disagree that she should be worried about her DH's needs right now. First and foremost is her baby.. and to provide for that baby, she also had to go back to work early, THEN she should be taking care of herself - then her other child, her DH.
Sam - her PREMATURE BABY is in the HOSPITAL. Her DH can FEND FOR HIMSELF in times like this.
3 glorious years!
From:
suesue
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:08 AM
I've been married for 17 years; with dh for 20. One of the things I've learned is, YOU DON"T HAVE TO SAY EVERY SINGLE STUPID THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.
Sure, he gets to feel lonesome, and to wish he had gotten some. But to dump it on you in this situation was selfabsorbed and thoughtless.
I'd send back an email saying "You know, I wish you had too. And I wish,that on your birthday, I hadn't had to get up at 5, work from 7-4 when all I could think of was our sick child; I wish I hadn't had to go to the hospital to sit with our sick child until they threw me out, I wish I didn't have to drive home sick with fear and worry. I wish that I had a husband who would understand that, and frankly, I think I do. Happy Birthday dear."
What a big fat jerk.
"Hollywood-that's where they give Academy Awards to Charlton Heston for acting." Shirley Knight, 1963
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:10 AM
suesue - I love you. That is all.
3 glorious years!
From:
cartoonjess
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:10 AM
I agree with pp. The other posters are being a little harsh.
I agree that the email was a bit overdramatic, however, I understand why he sent it. You were asleep, he didn't want to wake you, yet he didn't want this to stew in his head all day.
He is probably doing the same thing you are. Working, visiting your son, doing household things. I think the advice about setting aside some time each day for eachother is good. You both need to be there for eachother and your son.
I really hope you get to bring him home soon. He is beautiful and looks like a little fighter. You and your family will be in my prayers.
http://tinyurl.com/ysx58z
Party 'till the ugly lights come on.
From:
samfish2bcrab
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:12 AM
I do understand that, eleven, and it's terrible, but the baby has been in the hospital since August, right? That's a long time to put sex on the back burner. i think it's less about sex and more about him wanting some indication of where their marriage (and more pointedly himself) is on her priority list.
I also think she wouldn't feel guilty if she didn't think he had a point.
If my hubband's wiener starts making noises, I will be sharing that with you guys. It's been pretty quiet though. What should I be listening for? I can't help but think it would sound like the squealing noise a balloon makes when you let the air out. - Cali
From:
tamb_forever
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:14 AM
We don't know that they never have sex anymore. Maybe it just didn't work out on his birthday.
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:14 AM
the baby was born in August - add another 6 weeks minimum for most people to even CONSIDER having sex... then add all Matilda's other complications... I don't think 2 months is all that ridiculous.
3 glorious years!
From:
MsBlake
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:16 AM
While he may have gone about it in a way that wasn't the best, I can still see his point. Also, I've written my dh letters because I express myself better on paper and sometimes, it prevents you from getting in to a full blown fight because something came out wrong. In my case it was helpful.
He could have gone about it in a different way but I think the other posters were rather harsh.
You speak to my soul like you've known it before & I can't stop...
My Blog - Updated 11.13.09
From:
cartoonjess
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:17 AM
Most of you seem to forget that this is his child too. I highly doubt she is sitting at the hospital with their child alone. We don't know the entire situation.
What if the situation was reversed and she was the one that sent her husband an email about something that he didn't do. He would probably still be a jerk, right.
I think the last thing she needs now is everyone telling her what a jerk her husband is on top of everything else she is going through. This is the man she loves, and one incident hardly makes him a jerk.
http://tinyurl.com/ysx58z
Party 'till the ugly lights come on.
From:
irishjc
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:18 AM
If he had to resort to an e-mail in order to communicate with you, then I think there's something else going on here. It seems like he feels that he can't talk to you during the day, so this was the only way to get his point across. I'd be more worried about that than I would be about him being a "selfish pig."
Not only that, but it's likely about more than just pure physical satisfaction. You're his wife, and he wants to be close to you. I totally understand that you have a busy day, and that you're preoccupied with your baby's health, which is fine. But this is something that the two of you have to deal with together. And if you drift apart during a fragile time like this, then it could spell disaster down the road for your marriage overall. And that's not good for your child, or yourselves.
It's importatnt to present a united front against something as heartbreaking as a child in the hospital, but it's also important to remember why you fell in love, and to maintain that closeness in your marriage.Yeah, he probably could've made his point in a better way, but I hardly think it's fair to call him a "selfish pig" and a jerk and all kinds of other names. He wants to be intimate with his WIFE, for Pete's sake. I'm not saying that your baby is low on your list of priorities, but your husband shouldn't be low on that list either. Even during the bad times. If anything, he should be at the top of that list during the hard times.
From:
cartoonjess
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:18 AM
LOL. Question marks are my friend. I meant to add them in the second paragraph. D'oh.
http://tinyurl.com/ysx58z
Party 'till the ugly lights come on.
From:
elevendiamonds
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:20 AM
cartoon - his behaviour is jerk-like. Maybe he's not a jerk overall, but this is jerk-like. Yes, maybe he is sitting at the hospital with her at their baby... then he should be able to gauge with his own two eyes the effects this is having on his wife.
And if the situation was reversed - you bet your ass I'd be saying the same thing to her.
3 glorious years!
From:
Mrs.McLovin
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:23 AM
11D, I think you are being pretty harsh!
From:
MsBlake
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:25 AM
I think 11d is being harsh as well.
I'm also 95% sure that if the situation were reversed the dh would still be the "jerk". That seems to be the general mentality on the nest IMHO.
You speak to my soul like you've known it before & I can't stop...
My Blog - Updated 11.13.09
From:
suesue
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:34 AM
I mean really. When I was 2 months out of childbed and trying to work fulltime, care for a toddler, a house, and oh yes, finish BLEEDING from having given birth, waiting for my uterus to return to normal size, my dh was smart enough not to stand around whining "what about meeeeee???? when will you attend to meeeeeeeeeee?????". Maybe he thought it; maybe he felt it; but he had the brains (and heart) to keep his big fat mouth shut.
It's not like this woman is spending her days at the spa neglecting his 'needs', or getting sexually serviced while he goes without. Both of them are in hell, and he has an obligation not to add to hers.
And god help you all, there will be times in your marriage where sex with your husband will feel like just one more job you have to do at the end of the day before you get to finally lay down and cry yourself to sleep. Luckily, those days don't last forever. This fellow can take a number and stand in line.
"Hollywood-that's where they give Academy Awards to Charlton Heston for acting." Shirley Knight, 1963
From:
suesue
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:35 AM
11D, you're absolutely right.
"Hollywood-that's where they give Academy Awards to Charlton Heston for acting." Shirley Knight, 1963
From:
irishjc
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:49 AM
Again, I don't think the point was that the guy just wants sex. Sex is about more than physical contentment - when it's with someone you love, it's about a feeling of closeness and safety. You can't get that from your right hand and a bottle of lotion. This guy could
If the only way he could communicate with his wife was through an e-mail, then there's something wrong here. Even if one party in a marriage is working nonstop, or if they're dealing with a family crisis, there needs to be some form of communication and physical contact going on.
When my FI is feeling the lowest, all he wants from me is a hug, and for me to say, "Don't worry, it'll be O.K. You'll/we'll get through this. It's going to be all right." And yes, once in a while, when we're both in the mood, a good roll in the hay actually helps put things back into perspective ... we're together, we love each other, and we'll always have a friend and a confidant in each other. The world can't be all that bad as long as we've got one another to rely on.
Like a previous poster said, nowhere in the OP's schedule for the day mentions whether or not she is able to sit with her husband for 5 minutes and talk about their day, or take a shower together, or curl up on the couch and watch TV for a while. I'm not saying that the OP should be all, "Yes, honey, whatever you desire is my command!" But at least say to the guy, "Listen, I'm just really exausted and I can't do it right now," instead of just branding him as a sex-hungry jerk and writing him off. That's not helping the situation at all.
From:
FallinEvanston
Date: 10/16/2007 at 9:59 AM
I seriously doubt that this is about his birthday. Or about sex. Unless he really is an assshole (and given that you chose to marry and have children with him, I hope he is not), I think this is his way of tellling you he feels disconnected. Perhaps he's been holding this in waiting for his birthday thinking surely the two of you will have some time together then.
What's he doing while you're working and going to the hospital? Napping and playing video games? If he's not just as exhausted and stressed as you are, you've got big problems. But if he is, stop feeling guilty, realize that he's raising a legit concern about your relationship and work out some together time.
"Remember son, banning is tacky."
From:
orehlrig
Date: 10/16/2007 at 10:04 AM
Obviously you have a lot on your plate, having just (a couple of months ago) had a baby who is still in the hospital, working full time, and trying to maintain a relationship with your husband. Can you take a reduced schedule at work? I think most companies would work with you, or sign up for FMLA. I could not even imagine trying to work with all this going on.
You do have to keep your relationship with your husband strong, and he needs to work on it too. It's not like you can take a day off of worrying about your baby, even if you didn't go to the hospital that would be what you were thinking about. I don't really have an advice for you other than trying to talk to your husband. He needs to support your needs as well, and having your baby premature and dealing with him in the hospital has got to have you emotionally and physically drained.
this is my end zone dance, on your face!
From:
irishjc
Date: 10/16/2007 at 10:05 AM
* This guy could
Disregard. Typo.
From:
Cookie777
Date: 10/16/2007 at 10:53 AM
Interesting
From:
lilkate
Date: 10/16/2007 at 4:38 PM
I'm just wondering from what kind of warped, be-valiumed, 1950s, Better-Homes-And-Gardens universe the morons who sided with your husband's whiny sex plea live in.
First of all, did any of you think that maybe the husband might be concerned about his child in the hospital, or are you too busy baking ham loafs and acting as doormats for your own husband to see that
a.) Adults who crave attention on any birthdays after age 21 are in serious need of kicks to the ass and
b.) You should start working on a tranquilizer addiction right now, because your life must be a steaming septic tank of psychological and sexual torture .
Anyone who sides with the husband on this cares more about being married and having a husband than having a grown-up relationship. Catch clues, ladies...last time I checked, sex was something that both parties were supposed to enjoy, not feel guilted into.
Lady, guilt is a damn gift that keeps on giving...in other words, there's no place for it in a relationship.
To the rest of you sad women who think this is about a "man's needs" or a "husband's birthday," go out, buy yourselves a corset, get a prescription for some Xanax, jump on a new campaign to stop women from voting, and enjoy being the wiping pad for a man who doesn't respect you.
From:
SethsGirl07
Date: 10/16/2007 at 5:59 PM
Caring about your husband is soooo 1950s.
bio
And Seth, yes, I did vote for Bush. Twice. Proudly, in fact. Don't think that such a statement as yours is an insult to me. I've been insulted in far worse ways by far more affluent people than you. - jebarrs